Brain Dump

I keep coming back to this blog.

Resetting each time. Writing something out. Never posting it.

Write. Delete. Write again. Delete. Write something different. Delete.

I wrote two sentences here and deleted them. I always think it’s a good idea to go in unfiltered but I slow down just enough that my mind begins to overthink the words on the page and it’s just time for them to all go.

I started to slow down again, the overthinking was ready to start flowing. I need to be present to not overthink, to not over analyze, to not get overwhelmed.

I’m overwhelmed a lot recently. I’ve lost my grounding. What I thought I was and how I defined who I was.

I used to correlate myself worth with work and how well I did, how well I was being paid. How I was perceived. This has been the most difficult transition I’ve gone through yet. I feel like a loser if I’m completely honest.

And then I get so fucking pissed. Because how could I be a loser? After everything I’ve gone through in life, I don’t have these ‘traditional’ accomplishments behind me and somehow this makes me feel like a loser!

I think we’ve messed up a lot in this world when it comes to looking at ourselves. I don’t think the productivity that can be squeezed out of us is what makes us worthy. I don’t know that there’s anything that truly can make us worthy. I don’t think there’s anything that can make us worthy, because just as we are is what is worthy.

A divine being sits there and reads this. The most pure light in the universe. Divine love resides within us all.

That is what makes us worthy.

I don’t feel worthy most days though. My lens is stuck. I’ve grabbed other lens but I seem to struggle getting them to align and snap into place.

I wonder how much of that is by my own choosing. I know we have so much power and so much control over ourselves. Through our thoughts. Through our speech. Through our action.

I let old habits run rampant and I keep winding up in places I hope I’ll never have to return to.

That’s something that’s worth paying attention to. Every time you feel like shit, or your mind and body are screaming that this isn’t working, or that you feel miserable, or you feel lousy, or angry, or irritable– there’s something you need to be paying attention to.

Your body and mind are trying to reach you. They want you to realize something. That’s why they keep bringing you back to what may seem like patterns. Likely because they are. You’ve been here before. There’s something you aren’t acknowledging. There’s something that went wrong.